SABC Free Spirit video on MKP - South Africa

This video is an excerpt from the South African Broadcasting Corporation's show Free Spirit shown on May 19 2002. It is a ten minute segment on the ManKind Project - South Africa. Included is a little from an Honouring Ceremony (the post-New Warrior weekend acknowledgement), a short interview with Steve Barak (then MKP-SA Centre Director) his wife, Maryse, and then some comments from men who had completed the weekend. This video is powerful and may be of interest to men who might be thinking about attending a New Warrior Training Adventure. It is a little dated, but worthwhile.

• Free Spirit video for low bandwidth (Windows Media Video file: 11MB)
• Free Spirit video for high bandwidth (Windows Media Video file: 27MB)
  

A different kind of investment

Outside of acting, Kevin Bacon performs country music with his brother in a band called, unsurprisingly, The Bacon Brothers. The only song of theirs that I know, Only a Good Woman, lays down what it is to be a man. The Bacons run through the whole gamut of defining moments and characteristics that supposedly play a part in (insert deep voice) what makes you a man. In wonderful rhyming country couplets they list everything from years to beers, tattoos, booze, scars, fast cars, kicking arse in bars, being a sexist, driving a Lexus, drugs, hugs, hanging with the thugs…you get the picture.

What else can be added to that list? Getting laid, having and raising kids, peeing standing up, paying bills, supporting your family, opining on the Bok line-up, scratching your nuts? Even if all these characteristics and behaviours play a part in the make up a man, the question remains, is that enough? What about being a good man, being the best man you can be, neither overbearing nor weak, neither a ‘doos’ nor a doormat? The cries ring out from glossy mags to book clubs and back again, “where are all the good men?” The answer is that we are here. We’re just so used to bottling up, being labelled and told what mask to put on, what to do, think and feel…who we should be, that many of us are wandering aimlessly being the people we never intended or wanted to be and living lives we’d rather not.

Richard Tosi has nothing to do with The Bacon Brothers, but he knows plenty about what it is to be a man. A former Marine, Tosi along with two other men, Bill Kauth and Ron Hering, founded The Mankind Project in 1985. Describing itself, the ManKind Project is a progressive educational men's organization. What does that mean? Put simply, it empowers men to develop lives of integrity, accountability and connection to feeling. It will challenge you to develop as a man, as a father, a son, a leader, elder, husband or partner.

Tosi, Kauth and Hering founded the MKP in response to the feminist movement in the United States. By response, it wasn’t in opposition, but rather to provide similar support for a generation of men who were missing something. At once a part of first world society that civilised men, but also removed them from the processes of initiation, hierarchy and trust of both other men and women, the typical man was raised by a distant, strong-silent-type of a father, doted on by his mother and taught to surpass and subjugate instinct and emotion in his relationships. The result by and large, is modern man, a guy who wears the appropriate masks at the appropriate times, but deep down, feels fraudulent and unfulfilled either with his family, in his career or with himself. Perhaps all three. Instead of carrying on the charade of musical masks and to develop trust between men, Tosi, Kauth and Hering devoted themselves to developing a modern day initiation for the modern man (if the idea of initiation conjures up images of funnelling a case of beer through someone’s cricket box and being tied up naked next to a railway track, forget about it, this is something different).

In participating in the ManKind Project, you’ll start with the New Warrior Training Adventure or (NWTA), which while it may sound like SWAT training meets summer camp, is not. It’s a weekend for all men regardless of color, class, sexual orientation, faith, age, ability, ethnicity, and nationality, but one which will probably challenge and change you like you’ve never been before. Offering men a powerful, challenging educational experience to look at all aspects of their lives in a richly supportive environment, it’s a weekend in which you’ll learn to forge a deep conscious connection between head and heart. You’ll also probably engage in a level of trust and honesty with yourself and other men that you’ve never glimpsed before.

Try answering this honestly. Do you ever get the feeling you’re stuck? That there’s something blocking your emotional progress, your development as a husband, a father, a son, even something you can’t get past in the work place…a repetitive, negative practice? Perhaps you know that deep down you’re dishonest, sexist, racist, cowardly and you don’t like it. Perhaps you are none of these things, but you’re seeking some kind of growth in your life. The NWTA is about facing your shadows, embracing the positive nature of our masculine natures, rejecting toxic masculinity and committing to living a life centred in accountability and integrity. By acknowledging the demons you have within, you’ll be better equipped to face the ones the outside world throws at you in the form of your relationships, career and life’s more serious obstacles.

Other than the fact that you may be considering it, the next NWTA in August in South Africa is a special as it will be facilitated by Richard Tosi himself. That’s like having one of the three wise men lurking around your manger, Einstein helping you with your science homework or Bono playing your Bar Mitzvah. Along with the other men of the ManKind Project, Tosi brings a wealth of exceptional experience, an open heart and amazing leadership to South Africa’s men as they engage in self-examination devoid of the everyday masks we put on to keep up appearances within our communities, circles of friends and spheres of influence.

So, here’s an idea to consider. Take into account the recession and the car, high-def TV, holiday you’ve had to put on hold… and invest in yourself for a change. The short-term cost is low and the long-term gains stratospherically high. As theManKind Project website says, “Sooner or later, the material life gives way to the interior life, and we have only one place left to go to discover the real richness of our lives - inside our own hearts and souls. If you are a man ready to invest in his own heart, the NWTA may be for you.” The ManKind project are trying to change the world one man at a time.

You can be next.

Mobilising Male Energy

How do SA businessmen relate the holistic, nurturing concepts of the ManKind Project with the hard-nosed practices of the corporate world?

This article was published in the Financial Mail on 07 August 2009.

The article can be found on the FM website here; and a PDF version can be viewed here

You can be next.

Paul Abramowitz is a founding member MKP SA.

Model of Manhood - The Sacred Masculine

My father would have loved this work; he was indeed a beautiful man. Like so many of his generation, he remained financially responsible to his family, and as a result, was over-worked -a product of the John Wayne generation. That particular model teaches that strength is found, above all, in a tough interior and exterior. I sensed that he struggled to connect emotionally with himself and so too with us, his family.

He had no place to outgrow his emotional negativity which he had lugged with him from a difficult childhood. Like so many of his generation and those men that followed, he remained somewhat aloof and disconnected. As I grew up I watched his life unfold in front of me and had a window into the often difficult lives of the husbands of his gynecological patients. The picture that was formed was that society has placed great burdens on us as men. We often have to compromise our dreams for financial security, and that's just the way it is. Better to accept than fight; better to just knuckle down and 'achieve'.

My journey into manhood only confirmed my father's plight and the plight of those blank faces of the tired men that came anonymously to visit our dinner table.

So many men live isolated inward lives-away in an emotional cave - or up in a tree- house- engaging or dipping in to life in small bits and pieces rarely touching true fullness or reaching a ripeness. Thoreau refers to some of this way of being as men leading "lives of quiet desperation" - a reflection of having in part sold out to a culture that beats down at our doors daily - or screams from the TV - inviting us to that new acquisition - or the chance of a better body. Soon - too much attention to the chaotic external sees a slow dying of the soul. The encouragement we receive as men to think with our heads and not to trust our feelings - only adds to the confusion - and leads us to a profound loneliness and detachment - from that place - unable to contact even ourselves - or step fully into intimate relationships. The resulting numbness is well documented in the writings of Men's Consciousness Authors - (such as Robert Bly, Sam Keen, John Lee, and Steve Biddulph, to name but a few) - and there for all to see on the TV news - daily newspapers and magazines. Drinking, drugging and life's excesses become a fast antidote to the pain and confusion - and taken to the next level - the hurt then spills out toward the interpersonal and broad society - through acts of violence - aimed at other men and most shamefully - at woman and children.

It seemed to me that men and women start off on fairly equal footing as children, but that soon little boys experience what is called a 'diminishing in spirit', perhaps through the act of learning to endure physical and psychological pain without complaining. The result of which is a numbness and ambivalence found so commonly among teenage boys and adult men.

Sensing that this was happening to me too, I began longing to meet up with men who shared my vision of living another model of manhood. I wanted more; I didn't know exactly what but waited and trusted that the universe would provide.

In September 1998 I traveled, with five other South African men to Sopley, South London. There we took part in the ManKind Projects New Warrior Training Adventure weekend.

I have come to understand the process of that weekend's work a little more now almost nine years , involvement and see now why the men who have done this work for so many years refer to it as a masterpiece.

I felt invited to look at who I was, how I make choices, and how I live out behaviors that work or don't work for me. Through the magic of ritual, wisdom, myth and metaphor, I got to face myself and felt welcomed into a new paradigm, no matter which of my demons was waiting to meet me.

I had a felt sense that the 30 facilitators, who themselves had traveled the journey, had a powerfully authentic purpose about them. I sensed their deep respect and understanding for the process and their commitment to the healing work, which was immediate and consistent. I felt for the first time in my life, at the age of 36, the sheer transformational possibility of the power of non-judgment and love coming from 59 men - 30 facilitators and 29 other initiates. How different from that place so often set for men in the outside world, that of compulsive competitiveness.

It was a weekend of insight, triumph and celebration. I got to meet a small part of the man I had begun to look for way back then, and had been looking for for most of my adult life. I knew too, and found great comfort in the fact, that I had finally found a body of men who so beautifully modeled real commitment to transformation in their own lives and the lives of people around them.

My continued involvement and development in the work with men in this community and our overseas brothers has taught me that each man takes something different from his weekend experience. If he stays on in the work and continues the journey inward, supported by his men's group -usually between five and nine men meeting fortnightly -working towards his own truth and passion, he builds a platform to bring about real and sustained transformation. It is from the circle, a place of shared blessing, honor, respect and truthfulness, that I have witnessed myself and so many other men springboard to that place of positive change, a place so deeply desired.

As we drove back from my first men's weekend on a cold rainy Sunday afternoon, I was beginning to get a small sense of how this work fosters brotherhood through self-understanding, something which I had supposed was one of the basic aspects of earthly plane existence. I have realized that, on a spiritual level, this work serves to offer me nothing less than the possibility for a healing of the masculine soul. What I could not have guessed when I began was the profound and deeply altering effect the work was to have, and continues to have, on my life. Indeed, my journey has allowed me to step into relationship more fully and discover the joy of intimacy more deeply. I have come to meet that part of myself that allows me to discover and speak my truth. I can more easily face my deepest fears which are no longer roadblocks on my journey. I have begun to experience a paradox of life my father could not have known; that in vulnerability there lies the strength I so desperately seek.

I have learned to trust my own feelings more and to live in that place of connection to others and myself. The journey to authenticity through my own learning of emotional literacy has brought with it a deep sense of joy and a renewed passion, which once seemed unattainable. Through learning clear communication, and with awareness of my own projections, I am better able to empower myself to stay accountable to others and to myself. The lesson of integrity and the knowing of when I am out of integrity with my own truth holds me closer to my path.

It has been through the sharing of experiences and the listening quietly to other men's stories that I have learned of the power of mentorship in community. I know the value of having friendships with other men which are intimate, nurturing and trusting, and how these friendships create the bridges necessary to mark and make smoother the transitions we men have to make in our lives. I have, through these friendships, been encouraged to follow my own truth and passion and bring about a tighter congruency between what I speak and my actions in the world.

The old models of man did not allow for a place for shadow to be addressed. The powerful ritual of naming my 'shadow', and hearing other men name theirs, putting mine out in front of me, and sharing the darkness that it is, has given me a clear vision of how and why I prevent myself from reaching my fullest potential. Such is the model of the Sacred Masculine.

While acknowledging both my 'gold' and my shadow, I have come to understand the controlling nature of my unconscious, my unexpressed anger, shame and grief. This understanding has allowed me to feel more comfortable within myself, expressing instead of acting out or 'spilling sad energy', as Rumi described so succinctly.

This work I have done, not alone, but with the support, blessing, honesty and love offered to me by the men in my men's group, my community here and communities overseas, and thanks to the teachings held in sacred space.

A circle of men is a mystical place indeed, where I have seen magic happen time and again, the likes of which all words fail to describe.

As change is facilitated in our lives as men, all things become possible, and so we become moved to look beyond ourselves, to be in service to our community. This is done in the spirit of blessing -that of the energy of the good king archetype. Our work strives to return men to society as better husbands, partners, fathers, sons and siblings. Therein lies the true proof of the success of such work.

There are gifts we were given by our mothers which our fathers couldn't have given. There are gifts we were given by our fathers which our mothers didn't know how to give. Even if we as men didn't receive those gifts from our fathers, perhaps because they knew not how to give them, or hadn't received them themselves, then we need not cheat ourselves of a fulfilled life.

There are men out there in this world who have helped me strengthen and deepen my connection to life itself to passion and joy - and the hope and reality of a glorious life. I am constantly reminded how privileged and blessed I am to have found this.

My father would have loved this work; it would have made all the difference in his life. I know that because that is how it has been for me and the thousands of men who are making this journey together.

From Odyssey Magazine, South Africa 6-2002

The Modern Male Psyche And Manhood

In reaction, the late 1980s saw the budding of a new psychology for men. Robert Bly's Iron John¹, Sam Keen's Fire In The Belly² and A Circle of Men³ gave birth to a new paradigm of masculinity and the possibility of transformation for the modern male psyche. These authors and others illustrate how a paucity of healthy male mentoring, rites of passage and effective fathering in the modern world result in profound psychosocial loss for men, and a resultant crisis of masculinity.

Bly¹ wrote: It is clear to men that the images of adult manhood given by the popular culture are worn out; a man can no longer depend on them. By the time a man is thirty-five he knows that the images of the right man, the tough man, the true man which he received in high school do not work in life. Such a man is open to new visions of what a man is or could be." Keen² added: Authentic manhood has always been defined by a vision of how we fit into the universe and by the willingness to undertake an appropriate task or vocation. Our modern rites of passage - war, work, and sex - impoverish and alienate men."

These writings birthed the contemporary mens movement, which may be seen as an attempt to resurrect that which has been lost for modern men toward a rebuilding of a new, more mature and more sacred, masculinity. This psychology draws extensively on mythology, poetry, story telling, ritual and group process in its attempt to revive, recreate and cure. More particularly, the psychology seeks to bring men into integrity by modeling and teaching accountability, personal responsibility and emotional and cognitive congruence (e.g. I do what I say, and I say what I feel, because I know who I am. I do this without excuse and I face the consequences honestly and bravely).

Central to this theory is the idea of 'initiation' as a vehicle for change and healing. Barton⁴ explains, The goal of these groups and retreats is to initiate men into their archetypal masculinity." Jungian psychoanalyst Robert Moore and mythologist Douglas Gillette⁵ provide a psychological map for the journey from boyhood to manhood. They suggest the masculine developmental trajectory floods young males with instinctual aggressive energy before life experience can provide wisdom for the modulation of these energies." This wisdom, they say, was once provided by tribal initiations. But the loss of these traditions has left us in a situation in which the immature expression of male aggression terrorizes the global community." The fully developed man, however, has gained the wisdom to modulate aggression, and so becomes energetic, decisive, courageous, enduring, persevering, and loyal to some greater good beyond our personal gain"⁶. However, mens psychology teacher and mens movement leader, Craig Bloomstrand, explains: It is important not to over-romanticize initiation. The true maturing of a young man comes only in relationship with mature men. Initiation happens to be the vehicle for them to come into that relationship. The aspects of initiation that mature a young man are that he is identified as a young man of worth and invited into relationship with those who have gained maturity, of which initiation serves only as a vehicle"⁷.

More specifically, Goodenough⁴, a psychotherapist, shows how the symbolic and psychosocial processes of an initiation experience may be understood from a psychoanalytic perspective. He explains: By concretizing [his] inner objects into roles on the psychodrama stage, the initiate is able to interact with them, clarify them, and ultimately own them." Goodenough is here referring to a central activity in the ManKind Projects (the largest contemporary mens movement) New Warrior Training Adventure," which takes the form of a facilitated psychodrama during which the participant engages with his inner world symbolically and dramatically until a point of transformation occurs. This activity forms the core of the mans ordeal at the center of his rite of passage and is followed by a celebration of a new state of being.

This recent movement in mens psychology prompts men to reconsider some of the fundamental assumptions that have governed their psychological development from childhood to manhood. It calls on men to reexamine the destructiveness of their power, as men and as human beings, and bravely leap into a new consciousness that may help catapult us into a safer, healthier and more sacred world.

REFERENCES
1. Bly, R. Iron John. New York: Addison-Wesley, 1990: xi
2. Kauth, B. A Circle- of Men. New York: St. Martins Press, 1992: 7
3. Keen, S. Fire In The Belly: On Being A Man. New York: Bantam Books, 1991.
4. Barton, E. R. (Ed). Mythopoetic Perspective of Men's Healing Work: An Anthology for Therapists and Others: Westport: Bergin and Garvey, 2000: 21 & 155
5. Moore, R. and Gillette, D. King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine. San Francisco: Harper Collins, 1994.
6. Fields, R. The Awakened Warrior. New York: Tarcher Putnam Books, 1994: 4
7. Personal communication, Craig Bloomstrand, 13 March 2001, Minneapolis.